Moving the Blog

I have a hosting I’ve been paying for, it’s for another project but since it’s there and I’m not using it fully, I decided to move this blog over there. I’ve notified www.Divorce-Club.net which most of you use to read this, but in case you have a direct subscription you can now fine me at http://fairytalesend.com.

Thanks for reading,
ExP

Always His Princess

The “His” in this case isn’t The Prince, but The King,  My Father.

I told them.  I went to my parents and I told them.  After the inital shock and usual questions, my father went into his logical, protective but caring mode.  He loves me and I will always be his little girl so he wants to help me to be happy.  I know this, I understand this and I accept his help without thinking, like an instinct I was born with and can’t change.  He will pay for the lawyer, help me pay for a better apartment than I can afford on my own, help me move to and furnish said apartment.  I tell myself now I will pay him back when the divorce is finalized and the dust settles.  I tell myself over and over this is just a loan.  This is not a sign of weakness, just a sign that money is tight for me.  So why do I feel so bad about taking his help?  Why do I feel like I’m a child again?  Why am I afraid to let The Prince know that my father is doing all of this for me?  I know that answer I don’t need to hear it from him.  The use of “Princess” like a dirty word and reminders that I have this option while he doesn’t.

So here I am feeling guilty for my parents’ relative wealth and my feelings of weakness for not being able to do it on my own.  Then the first song I hear this morning on the radio… I remember hearing this when I was a kid thinking I liked the song, but I never thought it would apply to me.

Hall & Oates – Rich Girl

And don’t you know, don’t you know
That it’s wrong to take what he’s giving you
So far gone on your own
But you can get along if you try to be strong
But you’ll never be strong cause

Focusing on What I Want

This week I need to focus on what I want.  It will help because at the end of this week I will finally be telling my parents what’s going on.  I will also be making appointments to look at some apartments. Job or no job, down economy or not, I need to move on, I know this.  So I need to remember what it is that I want out of being on my own.

I want to be on my own.  I want to live without justifying everything I do to someone else.  I want to not have to tell someone what I’m doing every second of every day.  I want to enjoy the silence of being home alone.  I want to focus on making me a better me.  I want to focus on my passions without the guilt that I’m ignoring someone else.  I want to travel and see friends.  I want to go to sleep without feeling emotional tension.  I want to smile more.  I want to remember who I am.  I want people to notice something is different with me but they can’t figure out what.  I want to spend the summer decorating a new apartment for me.  I want to love the woman in the mirror again.  I want to thank my friends who have been reassuring me that there is life after divorce.  I want to find the strength to be on my own.  I want to be happy.

There is more that I want but there are some noticeable items not on that list.  I don’t want to start dating again, not for some time.  I need to be on my own for sometime before I am willing to let anyone else into my life.  I don’t want to fall in love again.  At least not for awhile, I might be being cautious, but I need time before I can go there again.  I do not want to rely on someone else to help me define myself.  I need to know who I am  I don’t want to get remarried.  This might change but in all honesty, I don’t see the point.  I did it once and it didn’t work out.  Something about learning from your mistakes and those who don’t learn from history are bound to repeat it.  I’m not saying I won’t, who knows I might meet that right person who I can’t live without, but right now I can’t live without me and I’ve been doing that for too long.

I have a lot to do in the next few weeks, I will keep my focus and remember what I want.  I will get there.

Searching for the strength

I find myself in a situation I really don’t know how to deal with.  I know what I want but I’ve been locked in a dungeon and I am not strong enough to break down the door.

I want the divorce, he agreed not to fight me on it but no matter what I keep running in to that door.  I run the numbers, I can tell him how much it would cost to stay in this house by himself, I can tell him all I want from the divorce settlement, but why bother?  He still doesn’t have a job.  He can’t stay here without one.  Making him homeless is nowhere on my list of things I want to do.  Selling this house would wipe out all our debts and give us both enough money in the bank to start over pretty well, but I can’t really suggest that.  When I look at him I see a beaten man, that would be just one more thing to bring him down and it’s not in my nature to kick a man when he’s down.  Which, yes, that means if he got laid off first I would have never said anything and still be living in silent misery.

He says he’s trying to find a job but there aren’t any or he’s sending in applications and resumes but haven’t heard back.  I know he is working with a headhunter and he’s called saying he’s not finding a lot of openings right now.  In the back of my mind there is a voice screaming “He’s dragging his feet on purpose. He knows you won’t leave if he doesn’t have a job.” That voice is getting louder.  I would like to believe he wouldn’t do this… but I’m not sure.  I’m really not sure.

I wish I could just turn my back on him but I can’t.  I’ve been told what happens to him is not my problem… no, maybe it’s not, but it sure feels like it’s my fault.

I won’t go, you can’t make me!

This has come up several times this week. People have asked if we tried counselling. Yes, yes we tried and it sucked. And then these people who tend to be divorced themselves tell me they had the same experience. So I am left to question: Has anyone gone to marriage counselling and came out of it without thinking it sucked?

My highly unscientific survey has found that people walk out of there either:

1. Realizing there has never been anything attractive about the other person and filing for divorce immediately
2. Not feeling any different about their partner, nothing got fixed and end up getting a divorce
3. For the first time in a long time agreeing with their partner about one thing: They hate the counsellor
4. One person feels like progress has been made and the other feels like they were just run over by a stream-roller

Apparently #3 is the best case a few couples went from there and are still together. My marriage fell into #4 and I ended up ‘Flat Princess’.  While we did agree we hated her, I hated her for making me feel like shit, he hated her for making me cry every week, we weren’t in enough agreement there to fix any problems.  The counsellor actually said I need to learn to express myself better. <insert visual of my friends with their jaws dropped and looking stunned>  She said I was closing off my feeling and that the Prince wasn’t a mind reader. (ummm WHAT?!?!?)  People who barely know me can tell when I’m upset, sad, happy or have a headache, but I’m too closed off for the man who has known me since I was 15 to figure this stuff out?  And trust me the man who sat next to me on that couch was not the man I married, he was channeling Dr. Phil or something, he actually was making suggestions on what the counsellor should be saying to better get through to me.  He was using his spare time to search for websites on the internet that would help him talk to the counsellor in her own language, I felt like I was getting hit from every side.  I did learn the word “Organic” as in “He says he’s changed but it doesn’t feel organic to me, only forced.”  That’s all I got out of it.

So now I have a few friends, who I know mean well, suggesting I go to counselling for myself.  I listen to them and they share that they have gone through it or are still seeing a counsellor and it’s really helping them.  I hear what they are saying but all I can think of are those sessions from hell I went through.  I know I have trust issues, I know I have issues being a doormat, I know I have issues putting myself first.  I also have a distrust of counsellors, something about getting paid per visit to help me fix what’s in my head.  Where is their incentive when once I feel better I stop visiting and they stop taking my money?  Ok, I’m having the same problem with lawyers who get paid hourly, how do I know he won’t be working slower just to drain my bank account?  Did I mention trust issues?

 

They tried to make me go to counselling, I said no, no. no…

Apologies to Amy Winehouse

 

Odd fact spell checkers keep saying “internet” is spelled wrong, they want to capitalize it or hyphenate it.

It’s Complicated

A co-worker asked me this morning “How is the divorce going?” I thought, my readers might want to know too… all 25 of you. *Princess waves hello*

The answer in a word: Complicated

Since January 20, 2009 things haven’t moved as fast as I would like but I haven’t backtracked or gone into hiding.  The morning after I said those words that can’t be taken back the Prince’s company also said some words that can’t be taken back “We are laying you off”.  Yes, within 16 hours he lost his wife and his job.  Yes, I felt like shit about this.  I was on the phone with him and for the second time during our marriage and the third time since we started dating one of us was out of work.  I wanted to say the supportive “We will get through this” but I couldn’t.  There is no “We” anymore, there is Him and Me.  After I got off the phone with him and after I told my boss about the new circumstances, I had told him that morning that I asked for the divorce. I started texting a few friends.  A few divorced friends, none of them had been in this situation exactly, all of them said “This doesn’t change anything”.  They are right, it just makes it harder.

Fast Forward, you know what happened on Valentine’s Day, since then there hasn’t been a lot of movement.  I’m sleeping in the guestroom and I apologize to my pasts guests for that futon, maybe for a night or two it’s not bad but after a few weeks, I’m looking at new beds.  I called a lawyer who did what he could to scare the shit out of me.  I told him this was amicable and he prepped me for a knock down drag out fight.  Yes, I’m realistic here, it could happen, but I know the Prince and I truly believe it won’t happen that way.  You can quote me on that when it starts to get ugly and say “I told you so”.

After the initial lawyer call and realizing that this is our divorce and we are the ones to decide if it’s ugly or not, I told the Prince that I don’t want his money, I don’t want his 401K or Pension, I don’t want to hand over 3 years of financials to some lawyer.  So I started writing up a draft of what I want the divorce settlement to be.  Two plans one if the Prince finds a job and can keep the house, the other if he can’t.  I need to get together all the monthly expenses for him too so he knows how much it costs to keep the house running.  Also I need to finish the taxes.  If you can’t tell over the last 14+ years, I handled the money for us.  As for the lawyer, he requires 10 hours upfront as a retainer.  If any of you have faced being laid off and having a large severance check in your savings account and only spending it as needed, you can imagine how hard it would be for me to part with that kind of money.  Yes, best case the Prince finds work soon and using one month’s worth of household expenses for a lawyer is no big deal, but if he doesn’t that’s one month that could have gone toward paying the mortgage and other bills.  I’m torn as to what to do about the lawyer.  As a friend mentioned in her blog, finding the cheapest lawyer around might not be a good idea.

On the upside I did go away for a weekend and see a dear friend who has been extremely supportive over the 2 years I have known her.   We had a great time together and I saw that there is a light at the end of this long divorce tunnel.  She’s also keeping my spirits up during the financial uncertainty that is before me.

There is also the notification process that has become a problem.  The Prince doesn’t want to tell his parents, because of this he won’t tell his friends and I can’t tell my parents.  My friends and co-workers know, I am not having the trouble here, he is.  I can’t tell my family as they live in the same town with his family and in all honesty I don’t want one of them to slip up if they run into them a the Post Office.   And as for his friends, we are going out to dinner with them next weekend.  The car rides will be quiet but I will put on my Princess smile and pretend… again.  This will be the last time though. If you have ever had to do the pretending you know that after awhile you can’t pretend anymore and cracks in the facade start to show. 

So that’s the update, sorry if it’s a little scrambled writing while at work probably isn’t the smartest thing to do since there are too many distractions… that said they just refilled the candy dish.

An Unexpected Valentine’s

Now to add what happened on Valentine’s 2009 to my list.

Valentine’s 2009

Unexpectedly good… in a very non-Valentine’s way.

To start the story I need to back up to 2 days before.  The Prince and I talked, argued, cried, fought.  He realized it’s really over, no more denying it, nothing can be done that will make up for all the reasons we are where we are today.  I felt a little better because he was accepting, but I felt worse because he hated me.  I don’t hate him, I do love him but not enough to be married to him.  Sleep that night was almost non-existent.  Friday I was at work, feeling a little better, knowing he was accepting what was going to happen, but still upset that when I got home the person there would rather me not be there.  I called home twice during the day, it went straight to the answering machine.  I was going to run errands that night but I was worried what was going to greet me when I got there.  I walked in, he was there talking to friend while playing a game.  I asked why he didn’t pick up the phone he said he had nothing to say to me.  I went to take a nap as I was exhausted from no sleep the night before.  He was going to dinner with the guys, most of whom we have known for over 20 years. I found out he didn’t drive, I assumed he was planning on drinking and I hoped he would just pass out when he got home.  He got home late and we went to our separate rooms.

At 3:35am, he comes to my door. “You alseep?”

“No”

“Want to talk?”

“About what?”

“Everything”

He got me to go into the Master bedroom and lay down. (I miss that pillow top mattress and my perfect pillow) He said he realized that nothing will change my mind and he could either be a prick about it or accept it and do this the easy way, if there is such a thing.  The night out one of the guys revealed that he and his wife of 14 years are 2 months from having their divorce finalized and he saw his buddy chose to be angry and bitter the whole time.  His friend had also taken to screwing anything he came across as a way to deal with his divorce.  The Prince saw that he could end up the same way and he didn’t like it at all.  He said he would like to keep the house and he wanted me to list out everything I wanted to take with me.  He wants to sit down and figure out how much it would cost to keep this place and if he could do it.  When he found a new job.

Side note: I didn’t blog this but the morning after I asked for the divorce, his company of 10 years laid him off.

I told him I talked to our real estate lawyer and got the name of two lawyers and I was going to call one Monday morning and make an appointment.  I told him if he wasn’t going to fight me on this we don’t need two lawyers getting rich off of us and he agreed.  We talked, in the dark, laying in ‘our’ bed with a cat between us, talked out logistic stuff, a little financial stuff and cried a bit.  I slept in that bed the rest of the night, more like passed out I was so very tired.

In the morning we had to get up and go to my parents.  He asked me if we could avoid talking about the divorce for the day, he is still getting his head around it, I agreed.  Also our families don’t know yet and today was not the day to drop the bomb on them.  We were going to my parents’ house to get my niece and spend the day with her, as promised for her birthday 3 weeks earlier.  We had a good day with her, she exhausted us both.  We came home and instead of going to our separate computers, which we were both too tired to do, we watched a movie (‘Zach and Miri” even though they sanitized the title for the video shelves, it’s a good movie, of course it is, it’s a Kevin Smith movie)  ate popcorn, and I started knitting him a hat for the St. Patrick’s Day parade he’s marching in.  I think because I am still willing to knit that hat for him and I never raised my voice at him or did anything out of anger and hatred he knows I still love him and care for him but I need this so I can love myself again.

I know there are many more steps to take, but he isn’t going to fight me.  When it comes to possessions, they are just things.  What’s important is moving on and starting over.  I hope to meet with the lawyer this week, find out the steps we need to take in this state and get the ball rolling.

Next weekend I will be out of town visiting a friend who I need to see more often, it’s been over a year and she’s been the support and encouragement and occasionally an annoying pit bull helping me push through and not lose my focus.  He will be seeing a large portion of our friends, mostly his friends, the guys we went to high school with.  They remained friends with him for over 25 years.  So all of them and their wives will be there.  He told me about this gathering and I slipped and said “Will you tell them?” and corrected myself quickly with “I mean Will you be going?” (I was trying to honor his request not to bring it up during the day with the niece) He said “Yes and Yes”.  I’m sure I’m losing a few friends once he says it, and a few will try to keep in contact with me but since they don’t talk to me normally, I know that won’t last long.

So Monday morning when asked “What did you do for Valentine’s?” I will answer “Agreed on our divorce” I love making people uncomfortable.

I was adored once too

Love, True Love will follow you forever, so treasure your love

- The Impressive Clergyman – Princess Bride

I realize with all my bitterness and cynicism surrounding the midpoint of the second month of the new year that some of you may think I am just an angry Princess who wouldn’t know love if it bit her in the bottom and was wearing a hat with red flashing lights.  Well, that’s not completely true.

Once upon a time there was someone and for a short time I knew what it felt like to be loved and to love completely.  I was the focus of his life as he was of mine.  He thought of me first, I was his priority and I knew this.  He didn’t have to proclaim it loudly to the world, he didn’t even need to tell me, I just knew.  He was my first thought also, everything I did I thought about him.  We were happy, we just knew this was meant to be.

Unfortunately, there was one thing that could come between us.  Even though I would give up anything for him, I knew there was one thing in his life that he couldn’t give up and if he was ever forced to chose, I would lose.  I knew this, I accept it, I hope it would never happen.  But it did.

Now, that’s not where the story gets sad, because if he just said to me that the decision had to be made, I would have bowed out, crying the whole time, but I would still have the happy memories to comfort me and the knowledge that this wasn’t what he wanted either.  But that’s not how he chose to play it out.  He chose to lie to me about it.  In his logic he wanted me to move on and find someone else and be happy again, so to do that I needed to hate him first.  He started to cut off contact, telling me he was busy all the time, telling me he didn’t have time for me.  He started doing things that he knew would make me angry then eventually he told me he cheated on me because the thought I cheated on him, which I didn’t.  He told me this was who he really was and the months before were lies.

I refused to believe it.  How could I be so wrong about everything? How could my judge of character be so misguided.  I fell apart.  I didn’t know what was lies and what was truths.  And to this day I really don’t know.  He later told me that he did lie because he wanted me to move on with my life and he wasn’t a smart enough man to find another way to do it.  While he didn’t push me away the way he thought, he tainted every happy memory I had.  Even now I think back to some of those times, I smile briefly, then I remember how horrible it all went.

I have never before felt so loved and not since.  Maybe it’s true, you get one chance at true love and when it’s gone, it’s gone.  But if this was my one true love, why did it have to end so badly?  Until I asked for my divorce, I did what I could to not remember this relationship, then one night I realized this was the kind of love you marry for, and I didn’t.

True love,  In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, “I was adored once too.”

- Gareth – Four Weddings and a Funeral

Trying to Break Cycles

So I’m sleeping in the guest room.  I’ve gotten used to the futon and sleep pretty well, only waking once a night when I pinch something and lose feeling in a hand.

Yesterday The Prince sent me an ecard saying he’s sorry and asking for forgiveness.  This is not a forgiveness issue. He’s had his chance, time’s up, game’s over.  He wants me to move back to the Master Bedroom because he misses me.  I thought about this and it comes down to this one thing.  Moving back there is for him, not for me.  I get no happiness from it, only he does. So I’m not.

Which brings up something else I’ve noticed in my life. I am a generous person.  If you are a friend and ask for help, I will do what I can to help and drop what I’m doing, if I can, to do so.  All I expect in return is friendship, nothing more.  How long it will take isn’t a concern for me, because this is for a friend.  But lately I noticed I have friends who on the surface seem to be taking advantage of this.  Who when I need a friend to lean on, a friend to just talk to, a friend to distract me or encourage me, I get told they are busy, need to work on something else or just don’t even reply to me.  I understand that being busy happens.  I’m not expecting to be the top priority in anyone’s life.  But if I’m the first person you think of when you need a favor, why am I not high enough on the list to at least check on once in awhile?

So here’s the dilemma: With the Prince everyone has told me I have to stand up for me and stop doing things to make him happy if it isn’t making me happy.  Do I do the same with friends?  The next time a favor request comes my way, even if it’s something that will take me no time to do, do I just say “No, there is nothing in it for me.” This is not in my nature.  I don’t have a lot of people I can call a friend, few I can talk to about this, fewer still who have been here and understand what I’m going through. Saying no, turning my back on a friend in need, isn’t in my nature.  But now more than ever I’m seeing what it looks like when I’m being taken advantage of.  What would you do?

Valentine’s Day Massacured

I have been saying I hate Valentine’s Day for a while now and everyone thinks it’s because of what happened 2 weeks ago. (Which I will blog an update to later but I need to get this post out of my brain) It doesn’t.  The reasons go back many years, in fact over the past 26 years since I had my first valentine, I have never had a Valentine’s Day worth remembering.  So join me in the Way-Back Machine and let’s see why the Princess hates the most romantic day of the year.

Valentine’s 1983

OK this one wasn’t bad, this is when I had my first Valentine.  10th grade, French Club did this carnations thing, you buy a heart and send a carnation to someone during homeroom. I was in French Club, the Friday before Valentine’s we are in a classroom after school sorting out the hearts by homeroom and one of the girls says “Hey, Princess, you have a heart, want to know who?” Duh, of course I did at that point everyone else already looked. So there was no surprise Monday morning, but I spent all weekend thinking about it.  Oh, the heart, was from The Prince and he signed it Love.  We had first period class together and we spoke a little but really not that much, so I thought maybe just a friend thing, but why sign it Love?  Long story short, he asked me on my first date for that weekend, contingent on him passing his driver’s test that Wednesday.

1984

The Prince and I broke up 6 weeks before Valentine’s. I’m still in French Club, he sent a Heart to a Freshman.  Did I mention he was a Senior at this point? I spent the day crying or trying not to.

1985

Alone. A week later I met someone who I started dating and will forever be known as My Ex-Asshole.  I could write a novel about how that guy fucked me over.

1986

Still with the Ex-Asshole, He was homeless, his Father kicked him out, and living in various dorm lobbies at my college or his car.  I found this out later, he was a pretty good stalker didn’t see him following me to classes during the week, but he amazingly showed up after my last class every Friday.

1987

Ex-Asshole gone, trying to rebuild life, dating the Hippy Wanna-be.  I think he got stoned and I did homework, how romantic.

1988

Not in College, but living in the same town as my college. Broke up 6 weeks before with the One That Got Away. Apparently New Year’s and Break-ups go hand and hand with me. Anyway, I spent it alone as my best friend was with the boyfriend of the semester and I chose not to be the 3rd wheel that night.

1989

Back in college, Just started dating the Writer. Relationship too new to celebrate.

1990

Technically still dating the Writer and living at home 100 miles from him.  You see he didn’t want to ruin my Valentine’s but he also didn’t want to lie to me, so no card, no phone call until the 15th.  He dumped me.  Yes, he spent Valentine’s with his new girlfriend while his not-quite an ex-girlfriend was crying herself to sleep

1991

Spent the day with The Kid (he was 18, I was 23) got home late, next morning my Father told me.  His brother died suddenly of a heart attack. First time I saw my Dad cry. He had lost 2 of his other brothers already but this was his twin brother. 3 weeks before their 51st birthday. My Aunt was widowed at 45.  She never recovered from the loss.  She did this past January. She spent the last 18 years mourning the loss of her husband. Unfortunately she spent most of that time drunk and careless smoking most likely was the cause of the fire that killed her.  I can never imagine loving one person so much that their absence from your life would destroy yours.

1992

Second First Valentine’s with The Prince. Can’t remember anything about it, probably just dinner, movie, sex in his room at his parent’s house… typical date for the next 2 years.

1993 & 1994

See above

1995

First Valentine’s Married.  He bought me Roses. This is the thing with me and flowers: I never get them.  In the course of 26 years I have gotten them less than 10 times from The Prince.  So when he buys them, I wonder what happened. I’ve received Long Stem Roses 4 times in my life, once from my Godfather on my 16th birthday the other 3 from The Prince over the 17 Valetine’s he has been with me.

1996-2006

I have no clue what happened on any of these Valentine’s. I was married, romance died. I notice most cards are bought on his way home from work (I see the receipts)

2007

First Valentine’s I spent looking at the card at Hallmark trying to find one that didn’t promise undying love.  They don’t make them. 2 weeks before I said we need marriage counselling he took that as a great shock.  This scene was repeated for the Valentine’s, Anniversaries and Christmases over the next 2 years.

2008

I should have left month before, I should have stuck to my original gut feelings, but I didn’t.  I would do anything in my power to make this Valentine’s go away forever, but I can’t.  What happened is too personal for me to explain here.  Suffice to say it rattled me. I felt trapped and guilty for a long time after. Someday maybe I will get the courage to write about it here but right now I can’t.  It was the worse day in my life up to this point.  I have been dumped, had deaths in my family, spent the most forgettable days in my life on Valentine’s but last year will be the one that scars me.

2009

I have banned Valentine’s from this house.

So there, 26 years in less than 1000 words. Not a good Valentine’s among them.  I doubt I will ever have an enjoyable one in my life. Why should this one day be different than any other day? If you love someone why wait until February 14th to show them? It’s just a day like the other 364 during the year. If you have to be told to show your love by card stores and florists, what kind of love is that?

So will someone tell me where I can have coma induced on the 13th and woken on the 15th?